advice for the elite college freshman

don't suffer like i did babes <3

TW: Brief mention of eating disorders, suicidal ideation & sexual assault

new student orientation

Welcome, Freshmen! If you’ll all open your textbooks to page 100, you’ll find that the prestigious university you just spent eighteen years pining to get into doesn’t prepare you jack shit for the challenges you’re about to face—not socially, not academically, not physically, not mentally, not emotionally. Spoiler! Freshman Year can suck. It often does. Dare I say it’s supposed to? The least I can do for you is make it suck a little less.

This is my guide to navigating an “elite university” as the motivated, anxious, starry-eyed newcomer I know you are. *Disclaimer: I hear the term “elite university” tossed around all the time and I think any college fits this bill. I went to one of the most elitist universities on Earth and guess what? Tons of kids were dumb. They were so dumb and then they got big jobs at banks??? Let that sink in. As higher education becomes increasingly less accessible, all institutions become “elite.” This essay is for anyone who can relate to it.

my credentials

I’m writing this guide because I was you once. Actually, I hope you are nothing like freshman me. I made my life a living nightmare.

Let’s take a trip back in time…

I arrived at the University of Pennsylvania in the Fall of 2017, entirely convinced I had scraped past admission through some stroke of mislabeled fortune. I knew I was smart. I had a strong personal essay paired with adequate test scores. I was also a legacy student, upper-middle class, a white woman (an Affirmative Action wet dream), and I attended a private school in Pittsburgh that had a reputation for getting four to five students into Penn every year. Plenty of 18-year-olds around the world could have easily taken my place, and the privilege that put me in my position was not lost on me. I was shipped to campus in a box punctured by my own imposter syndrome—how could I possibly measure up to my world-hunger-solving-prison-industrial-complex-dismantling-endangered-manatee-saving peers? I felt an immense pressure to prove myself.

Proving myself turned out to be a miserable battle. Brainwashed by Penn’s hyper-professional milieu, I was determined to major in something that would secure me a high-paying job right out of school, rather than what I wanted to study, which was creative writing and, after some exploration, ethics & political theory. I was a writer cosplaying as an aspiring corporate prodigy, a Girlboss-in-training. Economics. Calculus. Marketing. Job, job, job—I told myself. I listened to podcasts about Silicon Valley. I changed my middle name to McKinsey.

To be the kind of person who could land The Job, I became obsessed with curating the model image—perfect grades, impressive clubs, “top” sorority. For some of my peers, that came naturally. For me, it was a lot of pressure.

The problem? I was unprepared for quantitative college-level courses. Compared with the gradual pace of high school math classes, college professors often tackled a whole chapter per lecture and I struggled to maintain the pace. The most effective way to learn something in class seemed to be that you should already know about it. I expended all energy on office hours, tutors and Khan Academy. Did it help? Maybe. Still, I wasn’t the best test-taker and I walked out of every exam hiding behind a visible stream of tears, cataloguing my mistakes on the phone with my Dad in an outburst of self-deprecation and panic.

Trapped in a self-induced pressure cooker, I began to burn—panic attacks, dissociation, bulimia, sleep deprivation, depression. I was both a shell of a human and a ticking time bomb. College, I thought, was simply more than I could handle. If I had to sum up my freshman fall, I’d say I spent most of it crying.

Then, guess what happened? My first-semester grades came back. Sandwiched in my phone screen were four perfect A’s—a charmed concoction of hard work and grade inflation.

Aren’t you proud? My parents were thrilled.

I wasn’t proud. I almost felt sick. I put myself through hell for this…this vacuous row of tiny, pointy letters?

No, I’m ashamed. I’m never doing that again.

Second semester rolled in and the pendulum swung in the other direction as I basked in the glimmer of my new sorority schedule and devoted unsolicited affection to frat boys who wanted little to do with it. My grades took a serious hit, and the prospect of turning it all around during spring finals was enough to plunge me into a terrifyingly potent bout of suicidal ideation. When was I going to learn?

Not until Sophomore year, it would seem, which was virtually perfect and panic-free. The rest of college was great, aside from the global pandemic, of course. And where am I now? I graduated Summa Cum Laude, moved to New York City, and started that Job I was always talking about. For the most part, I figured everything out, but still I have regrets. That’s why we’re here. I know college is about making mistakes. I want you to make mistakes; I just don’t want you to make my mistakes.

time for some sage advice

Congratulations. You’ve officially made it to the advice portion of the essay. You had to know I was going to spend a long time talking about myself… didn’t you see the part where I said I wanted to be a writer? Organization is key, so I’ve gone ahead and divided the college experience into a series of core components, each of which harbor a channel for advice.

The pillars of university life are as follows:

1. Academic Pursuits - aka what you want to study

2. Academic Performance - aka how you do in your classes

3. Extracurriculars - aka the clubs/organizations you join

4. Social Life - aka your friends and Greek life

5. Romantic & Sex Life - aka the people you kiss or want to kiss

6. Wellness - aka your physical and mental health

7. Parents - aka your parents/parent/guardians/family members with strong opinions

8. Recruitment - aka job interviews and post-grad life

I. Academic Pursuits

Your major is minor, your minor is major

I beg of you, please, major in something that genuinely interests and excites you. This is probably your last chance to study something you love, like sociology, film or gender studies... whatever you fucking want. You have to study this subject every day for four years. Make your life easier and find something you’re passionate about, or at least something you don’t loathe.

If you are worried that your major won’t translate well in a job interview, balance your course load with a few classes in various quantitative fields, like Econ, Computer Science, or Finance.

Pro Tip #1: Add these classes to a “Relevant Coursework” section in your resume and speak to them in an interview—E.g. “I’m majoring in Graphic Design and exploring separate concentrations in Economics and Statistics.”

Pro Tip #2: If you plan to take multiple classes in a subject, create a bullet for “Intended Minors” on your resume. You can intend to complete these minors up until you graduate. When I interviewed for jobs my senior year, I said I was pursuing a minor in marketing. Guess what? NEVER completed it. Nobody gives a shit if you finish your minors—they don’t even go on your diploma.

So, choose a major you love and save pragmatism for your “minors.” I assure you, you can study Art History and still work for Goldman Sachs, if that’s your thing.

Explore your identity through coursework

You are a multifaceted, intersectional human being. You have a race, a gender, an ethnicity…and might I just say, you look great doing it! Most freshmen haven’t had the opportunity to interrogate their identities through critical analysis. I thought I knew what being a woman and being a feminist meant until I took Feminist Political Theory. Turns out, I knew next to nothing. Living an experience isn’t the same as learning it.

In corporate America, no one has asked me to complete a Prisoner’s Dilemma matrix or solve a geometric proof, but the lessons I learned from courses in feminist and critical race theory changed the fundamental structure of who I am and how I think. Engaging in identity-related coursework made me a better student and a better person.

II. Academic Performance

Grades matter, but not THAT much

In high school, your GPA could make or break a college acceptance. In the real world, employability (and even grad school acceptance) is way more about being well-rounded and telling a compelling story in an interview. You don’t need to make the Dean’s List to get employed. You don’t even need to put your GPA on your resume. To my fellow perfectionists: Studying for an A versus studying for a B+ may have diminishing returns. Put less pressure on academic performance if it’s coming at the expense of your mental health.

Your grades have nothing to do with you

Even the brightest and most hard-working students won’t always Get the Grade. If that happens, I want you to remember the following:

1. A “bad” grade isn’t always your fault: Sometimes, there are frustrating class curves or unwarranted professor vendettas that stand between you and the A you might otherwise receive under more favorable circumstances. If it feels like your professor hates you, I promise they hate themselves even more <3

2. A “bad” grade has nothing to do with your worth: Story Time. When my anxiety and depression reached a critical mass, I finally sought help from Penn’s counseling center. I spent my sessions lamenting the possibility of receiving “bad” grades, working myself into a frenzy of unpolluted self-loathing. One pivotal day, my therapist turned to me and asked:

So, you get a bad grade. What does that say about you?

- It says…I wasn’t smart enough to get an A.

But what does that say about you, as a person? Does a bad grade make you a bad person?

-No.

Right. So a bad grade is just that, a bad grade. Nothing more, nothing less. It has nothing to do with who you are.

I had always felt deeply ashamed by the prospect of poor academic performance, so much so that I attached my grades to the very core of my self-worth. In my eyes, an A+ grade made me an A+ person. I reduced my value to a single letter. Therapy taught me that a bad grade can be a good thing and a good grade can be a bad thing, but most importantly, that a grade is just a thing.

III. Extracurriculars

Business clubs can get over themselves

I don’t have much advice in the way of extracurriculars, other than do them! I joined a student-run dance company and it was the single greatest part of my college experience. That being said, I have a bone to pick with the pre-professional business clubs.

Story Time Part 2: Picture me, fresh meat—I’m wearing my roommate’s high school Model UN uniform and a pair of blush pink pumps from my sophomore Snowball dance. I look more “adult film” than “business formal” and I’m walking 0.8 miles across campus to interview for the Wharton Undergraduate Buzzword Society, or something like that. I am prodded like a lab rat while a student no more than two years my senior disects my resume with an almost slapstick sincerity. I am dealt rapid fire questions about my opinions on trickle-down economics and China’s tech landscape. Last question: What’s the worst state and why is it New Jersey?

I didn’t make it into the club, and I offended a lot of New Jerseyans in the process.

Look, join the pre-professional clubs if that’s your schtick, but just know this: You can join a million clubs; you’re still going to lie in a job interview. A business club is not a one-way ticket to Morgan Stanley. Join a club to learn something, but more importantly, join a club to make friends. If an interview process feels silly, or worse, makes you feel insecure, the club isn’t worth your energy.

IV. Social Life

Making “friends” is easy and making friends is hard

I’ll be honest, if you’re a freshman, chances are you suck. It’s not your fault. Freshmen are a selfish species. You barely have a prefrontal cortex. On top of that, you are navigating a foreign environment and trying to find your place within a competitive social structure. Freshman year is chock-full of social climbing and shallow friendships.

I think most freshmen have a similar experience. You’ve found friends to do things with, like go to a party or tag-team a homework assignment. These are people you’ve met in class, your hall, parties, orientation events. But it’s hard to find people you can talk to, and that can feel alienating. The freshman experience is often lonely, even though it seems like everyone around you is having fun.

Here is my advice for making friends instead of “friends”:

• Be kind to everyone. People who are unkind are insecure.

• Search in small corners. You are more likely to find genuine friends in the niche things you enjoy. For example, I made my closest friends in my dance company way before I made equal connections in Greek life.

• Don’t be afraid to initiate plans. Most people want to hang out, they’re just afraid to ask.

• Be the first to open up. It’s brave to be forthcoming about what you’re going through. Give new friends the chance to be there for you. If you open up to someone and find that they lack understanding or empathy, then this isn’t someone you need in your life.

• Accept that most freshmen aren’t likely to find their “people.” It takes time to find the right friends in college and that’s okay.

Greek life is designed to make you feel like shit

This is coming from a girl who joined a sorority and made it her whole personality. Here are the pros: Being in a sorority helped me overcome my social anxiety and served as the basis of my social life at Penn. I made some of my closest friends, all with the added luxury of feeling “cool” or “high-status” on campus. We all had sorority superiority complexes, big time.

Here are the cons: Greek life is inherently racist, sexist, elitist, homophobic, not to mention a cesspit of hook-up culture and sexual assault. These systems exist with or without Greek life and my sorority was full of women who cared about creating a safe space, but this didn’t change the fabric of what it represented. I still went to mixers titled “Beanies & Bikinis” and evaluated women’s characters on the fraternities they frequented. Getting into a sorority also doesn’t mean you instantly have fifty best friends. Pledge classes are riddled with hierarchies and cliques. It’s always prettier on the outside.

Remember that the rush process itself is designed to make you feel inadequate. We force you to wear a mini skirt in the dead of winter so that you look cute when we pit you against your peers and reject you after a five-minute conversation. If it doesn’t work out your first rush cycle, know that this happens all the time. Should Greek life still be of interest to you, rush again next cycle. It always works out the second time, and if it doesn’t, fuck that noise. You are too good for institutions that make you feel less than.

V. Romantic/Sex Life

Wait…lol…I have no romantic advice. Here’s all I've got for you:

A frat boy is not a god

Story Time Part 3: This time, I’m not a freshman. I’m a junior and an attractive senior with a reputation for being hot (tall) is dancing with me at a mixer. He’s a horrible dancer and I pretend it’s endearing. He brings his mouth to my ear and asks if we should head back to his house. I say yes, secretly and only because I want people to see us going home together. We’ve hooked up before. I never enjoy it, but I like that people know I can “pull” a “hot” senior. In his bedroom, I am immediately forthright about not wanting to have sex.

-You’ve been drinking and I am sober, so I would much rather just hang out.

I didn’t bring you here to hang out. We’re not dating. I’m a senior— I wouldn’t even date Emily Ratajkowski.

-I—I don’t want to date you either. I’m going abroad next semester. I just don’t want to have sex.

That’s stupid, we’re here aren’t we? I’m not even drunk. Don’t worry.

Next thing I know, we’re kissing. I want to leave so badly, I just don’t know how. If I leave, I’m not “chill.” I don’t want him to think I want to date him. I have sex with Jake so that I can escape his bedroom and never return.

-

To this day, I haven’t put a label on what this was. I felt pressured. Another word for that is coerced. This wasn’t my worst sexual experience, so I was surprised by the number of nightmares I had about him while I was abroad. I despise the boy who said I didn’t bring you here to hang out—he made me feel foolish; he made me feel like man’s Woman.

When I was in college, I slept around and did so proudly. I mistook that for “owning my sexuality,” but in reality, what I sought was validation from men. Please remember that sex is not always empowering. You don’t owe anybody anything. Frat boys are not gods.

Most of the frat boys I slept with in college are such absolute fucking losers now and I would never give them my adult time of day, so just keep that in mind, xoxo.

VI. Wellness

Go to therapy before you “need” to

The best time to find a therapist is before you think you need one. Sure, this might make your first few sessions a bit relaxed or empty, but when a mental health crisis begins to escalate, you will be equipped with resources. The second best time to find a therapist is when you need one. No one expects you to get through the year alone. Seeking help from licensed professionals is, like, really cool ; )

VII. Parents

These are your four, not theirs

It is a parent’s right to have opinions—opinions about your major, your decision to rush, your summer internship. Most parents are financially supporting you in some way, so it is with utmost respect for them that I say: Do not let your parents run your life from miles away.

I had a friend whose mom texted her every single day asking if she had been to the gym (toxic as hell). I had another friend whose dad told her, if she majored in Fine Arts, she’d never be employable (she now works for Bain). Parents think they know what’s best for you, but they often don’t. You know what’s best for you, or at the very least you’re learning. I am a firm believer that college is for you and only you. Yes, compromises can and must be made, but you are an adult and you have agency. Listen to your gut and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. Parents always come around.

VIII. Recruitment/Post-Grad Life

Corporate America is nothing like they say

When I was in college, I had this idealized, romanticized vision of my corporate life. I figured, the way people talk about these jobs, they must be so challenging! I was so daunted by the corporate world. Everyone seemed to know something about it that I didn’t. Well, now that I’m in it, I can say that a corporate job is much more about stamina, communication skills, PowerPoint and bullshitting. Corporate America is nothing to write home about.

Don’t worry about studying for a job while you’re in school. That’s not possible. All jobs are different and you can only learn by doing them. As a general rule of thumb, college is so much harder than working corporate.

~

finals szn

You may now move your tassel to the left side of your cap. I pronounce you a graduate of Advice for the Elite College Freshman!

If I may impart a few closing words, I would only like to tell you this:

Above everything, college is about self-discovery. You are going to forget virtually everything you learn, so focus on learning about you. Go easy on yourself. You have plenty of time. I promise you, you’ve got this.

XO,

Shelby