2024 ins & outs

oh, you thought i wouldn't make one of these?

Happy New Year! And happy one year(ish) of substack writing to me :)

These are my ins and outs for 2024. I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking or writing them, so don’t come for me!! Maybe I was harsh, maybe I was too soft, but I stand by what I have.

in !

going with your gut

I am sick of people challenging my gut feeling. So often my friends think they’re doing me a favor by saying Hey, you don’t know that! But then I am always right. I don’t know about you, but my gut rarely misses. There is merit to your initial reaction to something. Follow that trail. You might seem close-minded to outsiders, but you know yourself and, 70% of the time, that’s what you need.

hiking cringe mountain

I can’t take credit for this analogy, but I have now heard this discussed on multiple podcasts (including my recent infatuation with Exploration Live). I even found the below pic on LinkedIn, so it’s definitely circulating around the corporate zeitgeist.

If you want to achieve something, chances are, you’re going to have to hike Cringe Mountain. And once the journey is over, you’ll land plop smack in the Land of Cool, where everyone you once aspired to become is waiting for you with a hug, a book deal, and a Ginger Lime Poppi in-hand. I think comedians and content creators need this advice more than most, but I do think it’s applicable to everyone.

In summary: Start posting reels.

tough love

Give some, get some. It sucks, but nothing fixes my behavior like the cold, hard truth. I used to complain to my roommate that my situationship was emotionally immature, arguing it was our only Big Problem. But one day she looked at me and said, No, you won’t cut her off. That makes you emotionally immature. The next day, I finally had the courage to ask for space. The best kind of love is the kind that is absolutely nonjudgmental but still hurts a little :’)

one expensive new thing

Let it sit on the record that I think thrifting is great. Thrifting rocks. Our carbon footprint is significant but even more important is our need to virtue signal to our alt Brooklyn friends that we too buy clothing second hand. But…BUT!!! Sometimes it’s okay to buy your own new thing. Especially a nice thing that is going to last you a long time. Recently I spent a lot of money on a sweater, turned around, and spent an equal amount of money on a jacket for my brother. But these items aren’t just nice things, they encapsulate the very essence of who we are. Treat yourself, cautiously, knowing you’ll get good use of something. Cost per wear is key.

It would be nice to buy just one pair of cargo pants that aren’t from L Train Vintage and don’t disintegrate in the wash.

the nipple bra

You fucking got me, Kim. The thing is genius. I don’t own one yet, but I cannot wait to be cold all summer long. Just one suggestion…can we get an East-Wester? Some of us will raise eyebrows in suspicion if all of a sudden our nipples start facing directly front. Not me, of course—I have perfect boobs…but for other people…

landlines & flip phones

Screen fatigue is so real. I had a summer intern who threw his iPhone in a river and replaced it with a flip. Bring back the pink razor!!! Bring back THIS rotary:

Social media is ruining our brains. I need a genius out there to design a Sidekick that stores zero applications aside from the phone function, Google Maps, Uber Eats, and the ability to watch my comedy reels.

voicing anxiety

If someone you interact with often is causing you anxiety—be it your boss, your girlfriend, your roommate, your gynecologist—just tell them how you feel. It’s not going to stop until you say flat out: It’s not your fault, but when you do [insert behavior here], it makes me feel anxious and inhibits my ability to [insert action verb here]. If that person can’t handle this information, apologize, or reassure you, they shouldn’t be in your life. Anxiety may not come from a rational place, but there is nothing wrong with you for feeling anxious. You don’t deserve to feel that way.

phone calls

Enough with the long suspenseful text strings. Enough with voice notes! I’m even sick of trying to schedule coffee when we both live in the same city but are too busy each February to figure out a friend date. Just call me. Let’s chat over the landline.

asking for it

We expect those in power to recognize when we are ready for something and hand it over right away (i.e. promotion, cool opportunity, etc). People are pretty consumed in their own lives. You think you’re ready for something? Politely ask for it. It’s your job to tell someone when you feel ready vs. the other way around.

situation-trips

I get it, your ethically non monogamous boyfriend can’t be tied down for longer than an evening drink and a night at The Box, but how about being wanderlust with a commitment-free lover? It’s time to take your situationship worldwide. There’s nothing wrong with going to Paris with someone who’s sister’s name you have yet to learn. For some it’s the City of Love, for you it’s just nice to share a soufflé with a friend whom you also kiss.

tiny cow

Dog is sooo 1965. Tiny cow is in. Look at him! He’s perfect. Dog is still permitted if Harlequin Great Dane or Newfoundland. Don’t yell at me! I’m just the messenger.

parallel date

What’s better than sitting across from a romantic interest, staring into their eyes while you agree with the waiter to share something stupid, like French Onion soup? Touching leg-to-leg, that’s what.

Stop sitting across from your date and start sitting next to them. You can people watch together, tell each other secrets, and it makes a soup-split totally seamless.

herpes

No explanation necessary. Get this! Or you’re lame :)

out !

mind-reading

My therapist says mind-reading is an epidemic in relationships and she’s right. Never expect someone to read your mind. You’re upset? Tell them why and voice what you need to feel better. Mind-reading builds resentment on both sides. No one is better for it. Yes, maybe your significant other/mom/best friend should intuitively know your needs. But we can all give people the benefit of the doubt. Even the people who know us best don’t live inside our heads. No one fully understands precisely what sets us off or hurts us. Expecting someone to read your mind is a cop out.

dressing cute

We live in this peak age of fashion where it is perfectly acceptable to wear glorified pajamas on all occasions. Why are we still dressing up? It’s expensive and uncomfortable. Aesthetic is cool, sure, but can’t we just be cozy instead? It’s time for sweater pants at work, big cardigans at restaurants, a workout set that doesn’t match. Everyone can take a page from my book and wear Hokas to the club (I do it because of a medical condition but honestly? It’s nice).

shame

If you read my last post you’ll know I am so sick of shame. Shame is a personal choice. Unless you’re a racist MLM embezzler with a secret second family, just cut yourself some slack and be kind.

Didn’t get into your top choice grad school? Okay :) Go somewhere else or try again next year. You have time.

Got chlamydia from the Task Rabbit that painted your kitchen cabinets a little too well? Okay :) There are meds for that…and hey, you go sister.

Got through a whole Core Power class without realizing your leggings have a giant hole in the crotch? Lucky you! Less resistance, more airflow :)

instagram dms

Is it just me or is having a backlog of Instagram DMs SO stressful? If we’re flirting, give me your number after we exchange a few words back and forth. If we’re already friends, text me. When you ask me a question over DM there’s a 106% chance I never see it.

8+ day family vacay

If you have a healthy, symbiotic relationship with your nuclear family, keep scrolling. For everyone else over the age of 20, there is absolutely no need to spend longer than one week with family unless extended family, friends, or romantic partners are involved. Protect yourselves, people.

splitting the bill

Call me old fashioned, but splitting the bill just isn’t sexy. If you’re a cis man on a date with a cis woman, you pay on the first date. Otherwise, you pay if you’re The Top. Second date is dealer’s choice. Third date and beyond, you take turns. Otherwise, it just feels like you’re at dinner with a friend.

A little bit of romance goes a long way.

commas (oxford or otherwise)

I was so up the oxford comma’s ass until I joined the leagues of Corporate America. Since, I have found them ugly, unnecessary and distracting. Usually when I write Substacks I hate to use commas because everything I say should be read as a run-on sentence do you feel me?

dark mode

Remember when everyone was like Oh dude you haveee to switch your phone to dark mode or you’re an absolute Stone Age freak? Dark mode had us in a chokehold in 2020. My pitch black iMessage background isn’t doing me any favors between the hours of 9am-9pm. Make iPhones normal again.

polyamory

I’m tempted to leave this here without explanation. Exclusivity and commitment aren’t your thing. Fine! Just say that. All I do is picture a college frat boy telling me:

It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that I’m polyamorous.

Sleep with whomever you want. Go on dates with whomever you want. But you want two girlfriends? Grow up.

late dinners

Let’s stop going out to eat at 8:30pm. This isn’t Spain. I am hungry at 6:30 and I can make it until 7:30 if that is when Rubirosa can take us. Let’s have early dinners, hang out and get real sleep—please?

alcohol

Getting drunk is so out. If you want a fun, giggly-great time without the mess, just micro-dose on shrooms.

men can’t find the clit

“Men can’t find the clit!” “Men can’t find the clit!” Guess what? I CAN’T EITHER. That little guy is hard to find. Partner can’t find the clit? Bring the goddamn clit to them. They’ll learn eventually.

what’s up?

Stop saying “what’s up?” over text OR in public, unless it is clear that something is evidently wrong with a close friend of ours and we need to gently juice it out of them. Like, What’s up? Is everything okay? You sure?

If I see you in public and we approach each other and you say “what’s up?” I am going to panic. I’m in the same place as you. I’m probably doing what you are doing. Instead, let’s say:

Hey! Woah. That’s a sick crewneck sweater. So, how old were you when you realized your parents should get divorced?

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Okay—I’m done.

Happy Hunting this year!

Idk why I said that. Hunting is out!!! Sustainable fish-farming in your own Brooklyn bathtub is in.

XOXO,

Shelby