In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m putting myself out there in a Big Way.
Actually, this post is brought to you by my Nana, who tells me I’m apparently twenty-four and should go out and meet somebody to marry. She actually says, “a nice boy,” but Nana doesn’t know I kiss non-boys, and I think we’re gonna go ahead and let her die on that hill.
Hi :) *blush*
Is this a meet-cute? (If you’re stalking me from Hinge, you’ve scoured the internet in search of my last name and I think that’s cute as can be. Cute as a button, you are.)
I’m so glad you found me here. What?!! Are those flowers for me? You shouldn’t have! No really, I hate tulips :/
Why are we here? The answer is simple. New York is a city of efficiency. I have no interest in wasting your time. Before you message me, before we “let’s get drinks,” I thought: Why not get to know me right here, right now? So, read below and let me know: Are you my soulmate? Only one way to find out! (Actually, there are two ways: My Substack, or you can talk to the psychic I met in Cambodia. (DM for the WhatsApp.))
To set the record straight, I’m Shelby. I was named after a movie I’ve never seen. My favorite movie is Beetlejuice. My favorite color is purple. I’m a gemini and I make it obvious. My favorite food is the Japanese sweet potato, followed by ginger kombucha and a really serious chocolate chip cookie. I don’t like making a big deal of anything, except when I express gratitude to someone. My least favorite things are Institutions.
Like you, I have flags—some red, some green, and often one white flag in surrender to The Ick. In the interest of time, I’ll list some for you now:
Green Flags:
Repeated kindergarten to sixth grade class president pipeline (redemption arc)
Leather blazer for every occasion
Will pick up a book every now and again and read most of it
Big beaaauuutttttiiiifffulllll baby blues <3
Total empath over here
Hot at pretty much everything
Red Flags:
Honest opinions of your friends and family. Can’t help it.
Oh no, we’re having a conversation again…
Wait, can’t talk—I’m screenshotting your texts
Anxious Attachment Style (phat juicy A.A.S) (improving on this, though)
I’m talking about you in my stand-up
Only free Saturdays between 12:15pm-3pm & 6pm-11:55pm
Icks*:
unnecessary dietary restrictions
ivy leagued & proud… the least you can do is be embarrassed about it
x > 3 morning alarms
“devil’s advocate”
liking me back
*i know the icks are all lowercase. just felt right.
That was nice, wasn’t it? Funny, those red flags feel green to me. I’ll probably send this to my Nana for her notes just in case. As for you, I can feel something between us already…
Now that I’ve showed you the good/the bad/the ugly, the fact you’re still even here means a lot (like a lotttt). So, how about this: Let’s cut the chit chat and get ourselves out on the town?
Here are some ideas for our First Date. Feel free to mix and match. Play around. Get messy! You never know what I’ll enjoy.
Stage our own version of Hot Ones. Hint: The wings get progressively spicier and so do we ; - )
Take me to Staten Island to visit Pete Davidson’s childhood home. A good way to get me to fall for you is if I’ve mistaken you for Pete Davidson. Plus, I’ve never been to Staten Island but I’m pretty sure it’s a lot like Turks & Caicos.
Teach me how to play pool at Starr Bar in Bushwick. Everyone’s always trying to teach me how to play pool at Starr Bar in Bushwick but you could be the one to really do it.
Drive me upstate for a picnic in an abandoned craft brewery. Bonus points if there are ghosts. Points deducted if there’s cell service :/
Take Me to Church. No seriously, never been. Dying to get my hands on the pulpit.
Ride with me in your private plane to Wes Anderson’s Isle of Dogs where we can find a canine that rescues us. It’s #2 on my bucket list (#1 is “THE INNER SANCTUM OF THE ENTIRE OPERATION???”)
Enroll in an 8 week French course with me. If I like you, I’ll wanna see you every Sunday from 1-3pm.
Three words: You. Me. StewLeonard’s.
Accompany me to Ellis Island to investigate Hilaria Baldwin’s Family Tree. There are questions left unanswered there and not enough people are getting to the meat of it.
Sit your ass down while I read you every poem I’ve ever written. Pro tip: Just snap after each verse and say “Wow, babe. That was profound.”
Hope that gets the ball rolling for ya! I’m all about balls rolling, potentially (see #3).
As for getting to know me, well I’m sure there’s more to it, but I’ll leave you with a bit of mystery.
See you at the altar.
Xoxo,
Shelby