prologue
Can I be real with you for a sec? I thought this post would pour out of me like my morning trip to the loo. Turns out, I’m really hesitant to write in this tone of voice because I get the mega ick when I try to be aspirational. So let’s get one thing clear: I am not aspirational. I am a terror. But I did learn a thing or two last year and, if you’ll have me, I’d love to share it with you. If that’s aspiration, so be it.
another trip around the sun
Something so sick & so twisted about me is my outright kink for the New Year. I love it with my cold, dark, empty heart. Not New Year’s Eve, the worst holiday next to Valentine’s and Columbus, but the New Year as an entity, ya know?—what it represents. What can I say? I love a reset. Give me lemons and I’ll squeeze you a fresh start. It’s a time to reflect, reprioritize, re…ach out to an ex. Most importantly, it’s a time to write a list.
As early as October you’ll catch me concocting a hefty catalogue of intentions, goals and ambitions for the New Year. I don’t do it the traditional way (BIG reminder here that I’m not like other girls), for example you’ll never see me sinking beneath the trap of some fad disordered diet or vow to train for le Tour de France. My resolutions are more obscure, more intimate, more attainable. I teed off 2022 to goals like “learn the lyrics to a French song every month”, “explore Brooklyn”, “stop dressing for the male gaze as much”, and the subsequent, “kiss women”. Aside from the wardrobe shift, which has proven an immensely difficult habit to squander, I’d say I made pretty good on my plans. I like to keep my resolutions where I can see them, up close and personal. I don’t do it for fame and I don’t do it for glory—I just do it for me.
About half-way into 2022, I added something to the list. Not a resolution, more of an affirmation—some might even call it a mantra. This is where I get preachy. I wish it didn’t have to come to this, but I don’t have a choice. I started telling myself this phrase and it has, to be honest? ~Changed my life~. The sentence is this:
I want to, so I will.
You could be thinking so many things right now. That’s obvious! That’s corny. That’s…what the fuck does that mean? You hate me. I hate me. That’s FINE. I don’t care if you hate me. In fact, I encourage it.
At least allow me to explain.
For the first six months of 2022, half of me felt like I was doing everything perfectly right and half of me felt inexplicably unfulfilled. A straight-edged Ivy League graduate with a big-name “girl boss” job, all of my mother’s friends thought I was the tits (their words, not mine). The problem? I wasn’t very happy with who I was, you know, as a person. I didn’t realize how much the transition from college to adult life would dilute my creative pursuits and relegate me to the status of Corporate Monkey. I whined, I complained, I hit a very, dark low point. Finally I asked myself: What is it I want? Like really, actually want? So, I revisited an old list, a collection of childhood fantasies I had buried deep beneath a trundle bed somewhere. When I was young, I wanted to be a writer and I always thought I was at least a little funny. I thought, Okay, let’s start there.
That’s (roughly) how I got into stand-up comedy. I took a class, I ventured to open mics, I booked some shows. In December I wrote my first short-film and my first sketch (don’t ask me if they’re any good, I have no idea). I also began to explore my sexuality which was a long time coming (but girls are loco scary, ok?). I stopped waiting and decided that if I wanted to do something, or even if I might want to, I would find a way to do it.
aspirational climax
I want to, so I will is not about doing what you want but rather what you have always wanted. It’s not an excuse to make selfish or bad choices— “I cheated because I wanted to”, “I roofied her because I wanted to”, “I dropped my kids off at the Grand Canyon, said sayonara and ran away with the uglier half of the Chainsmokers because I wanted to”—it’s encouragement to follow your…(gag)…dreams.
I use this affirmation to narrow the fearsome gap between wanting and doing. Yes, “it's easier said than done,” but I am learning that doing isn’t as hard as I thought. IWTSIW helps me take small steps toward dreams without thinking too deeply about it, all in my quest to equate wanting with doing. It’s the stuff Nike won’t shut up about.
For a lot of you, IWTSIW might feel insurmountably difficult. I understand that. I don’t blame you. It took me a long time to accept that my dreams had value, because here’s the stupid thing about the idea of dreams: It already implies the immaterial—an illusion fabricated by the subconscious. How can you ascribe value to a hallucination? Dreams are used to describe goals that feel too big and unrealistic to take seriously, and because of that we never validate dreams within reality. That sucks.
Most of us have hopes and dreams that we’ve tucked away in boxes labeled “pointless”, “unprofitable”, “embarrassing”, etc. If you can’t make money from it, if people might judge you for it, if it doesn’t feel productive or contribute to society in some way—we ignore it. We don’t give enough credit to our dreams. Of course, there are disclaimers attached to this. Dreams are expensive and require resources we do not have. Some dreams are unhealthy. Some dreams are illegal. But most dreams are worth recognizing. Most dreams are, at the very least, worth a try. I can’t promise you’ll achieve your dreams. The statistical probability is low. I probably won’t. But I have started to try. Why? Because I want to. And if I want to, I will. You get the idea.
important reminders
If I want to, so I will feels scary to you, it’s like, duh, it scares me too, but I have a list of reminders that might fuel you to keep going:
your current age is as close to dying as you’ve ever been. — Time is running out, slowly… but not really. Time is actually really fast. Get a jump on thinking about your last words, because frankly they’re right around the corner. Do you want your bid farewell to be “I wish I…” or “I’m glad I…”?
no one gives a shit about what you do. stop acting so important. — They say dance like nobody's watching. Guess what? Nobody fucking is. Everyone is too caught up in their own anxieties and problems and delusions. Your actions are the least of their worries. Unless you’re doing something to harm someone directly, nobody cares what you do, so do what you want.
nothing matters, and that’s for the best. — The idea that we are just a heaping mound of particles hurling on a rock through space isn’t lost on anyone (or at least the people on my niche margin of TikTok would agree). I don’t really know how religion works, but from where I’m standing, there’s no meaning to any of this. And that’s a BEAUTIFUL thing! Nothing matters, so explore life while you’re living it (within the bounds of morality & the law). Allow nihilism to set you free.
there are going to be plenty of things in your way, but in the end, nothing is stopping you but you. — This one is the most challenging. I cannot speak to the barriers you might face but know they span across socio-economics, culture, ability, gender, sexuality, religion and race (to name a few). My intention is not to undermine the gravity of your obstacles, only to tell you that you are more resilient than you realize. Ultimately, you will have to claim your agency, and sometimes this means extracting it from a person or institution that feels entitled to it. Difficult never means impossible, especially if you’re chasing something you really want. Believe in yourself, or pretend to, and it will come :)
tldr
You have reached the end of the lecture. Did I take this long just to tell you to follow your dreams? That is horrid. But I don’t think that’s what it was. I want to, so I will is about acknowledging the merit of your dreams and chasing them in tiny increments. It’s about recognizing that life is too short not to give your dreams a try.
I hope you take this with you into the New Year. Let me know what you do— I’m excited to see and I believe in you. Just don’t become more successful than me.
XO,
Shelby